Real Help for the Difficulties in Marriage: Part 3

If you missed Part 1 of this three-part blog, click here to read it. Or if you missed Part 2, please click here to read Part 2.

He (Jesus) is the One we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ. To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me. Colossians 1:28-29 NIV

As Paul shared in the Colossians passage above, the goal in his ministry was to “present everyone fully mature in Christ”. After we come into a personal relationship with Jesus, we are to be growing to be more like Jesus - to grow in Christlikeness - to be conformed to His image. Paul’s confidence, in carrying out this ministry, was that Christ was “so powerfully working” in him. Are you, like Paul, confident that God wants to work in you powerfully to grow your Christlikeness? Let the truth of the verses below sink in:

• For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son.   Romans 8:29a NIV

• So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like Him as we are changed into His glorious image.   2 Corinthians 3:18 NLT

• But those who obey God’s Word truly show how completely they love Him. That is how we know we are living in Him. Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.  1 John 2:5-6 NLT

The last one of the three challenging questions (1) encourages me to move to action - not just with “good intentions”, but with a resolve to see lasting change in myself and in my marriage:

Question 3: What can you do to improve your marriage?

I encourage you, as you try to answer that question, to think on two levels: 1) think about how you can improve your marriage by growing and being transformed in your vertical relationship with God, and 2) think about ways you can improve your marriage by growing your horizontal relationship with your spouse.

So many times, when I counsel with couples, the primary help they are looking for is something like “help me to communicate better”, or “we need better ways to learn to work through conflict”. These are good things to want to grow in, as they are focused on the horizontal part of a marriage.

But the longer I sit with couples (and the longer I am married), the more convinced I am that God’s primary way of helping my marriage is by helping me grow to be more like Him. As someone has said, we want the “overflow” of our growing relationship with the Lord to spill over on our most important human relationship – our marriage.

Please don’t hear me saying that reading a good, biblical marriage book on helping your communication grow is not something I would recommend. My wife and I have been helped tremendously by applying the truths we have read in such books. But please don’t limit yourself to only thinking on a horizontal level when it comes to answering question #3. As you continue to ponder question #3, here’s some additional thoughts to consider from the three challenging questions (1) post:

As a husband, it’s one thing to generically say I will love my wife as Christ loved the church, but how can I practically do this? It’s one thing to say we will glorify God in our marriage…but it’s quite another for both spouses to be clear on what exactly that looks like. As you consider how to practically live this out as a couple, maybe it will be a concerted effort not to misplace things, or a commitment to overlook weaknesses. Maybe it is a commitment to confess sin regularly to each other, even in front of your children. Maybe you pledge to ask questions, or to affirm your spouse more than you criticize. Maybe it’s asking a close friend to help audit your marriage.

You do not need to answer these three questions exhaustively to begin making real progress with your spouse. Three answers to each question is a manageable starting place. When you do answer these questions and bring them to your spouse, take time to discuss whether you are in agreement. Does your list of things that make you hard to live with align with the things your spouse would say about you? If you say, “I lose things,” and your spouse replies, “That doesn’t bother me at all,” then please take time to find out what does bother your spouse.

The end game of all of this is that your marriage would glorify God: that husbands would reflect more clearly the love that Christ has for his people (Ephesians 5:25), and that wives would joyfully submit to and respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:24, 33). Gospel-centered marriages are not perfect marriages. They include dependence on God while acknowledging weaknesses, confessing sin, and offering forgiveness to each other. As you discuss these questions, then, remind yourselves of God’s commitment to you, to your spouse, and to your marriage. (1)

Application from Part Three (2):

1) I encourage you to go back to Part One and Part Two of this three-part post. Review how you answered the application questions from both parts. Now, as you think about things you can do to improve your marriage, write in the space below at 2-5 actionable and measurable steps you can take to improve your marriage.

2) As you think on question #3 in a horizontal sense, think about the topics that you and your spouse frequently disagree over. Maybe its parenting or finances. Or possibly intimacy or in-laws. Take some time to ask the Lord to reveal how you are contributing to those disagreements. Write any ways you are contributing in the space below. Also consider taking 5 minutes to read this post from our blog that can further help you identify those areas. Write anything additional that is revealed in the space below. Now, take an additional step of faith and sit down with your spouse and humbly share how you have contributed to these disagreements. Consider making a sincere apology as part of that conversation.

3) Time is needed to grow any marriage relationship. And the reality is that many couples are just too busy – even with good things. Take time to sit down with your spouse and plan together how you can carve out more intentional time for the two of you. Consider reading this post from our blog as a way to help you both find this needed time.

Additional Idea to Consider: One of the most helpful things for any spouse is having other Christ-followers in their life to provide help for the life challenges we face. I encourage every husband to have at least one other mature, Christ-following man in his life – a person who provides accountability as well as encouragement and consistent prayer. I encourage each wife to have the same in a woman who is a mature, Christ-follower. If you want your marriage to grow, God has designed that growth to happen in the context of honest and transparent relationships in the Body of Christ. If you, as a husband or wife, do not have that relationship in your life, you will be hampered in your growth as a couple. Ask the Lord to help you find that person so that God can bring His provision of help through them.  In our counseling, we call this person a Support Partner, but you may have also heard the term Advocate. You can find out more on how we talk about having a Support Partner by going to this link.

Post Sources:

(1): These three questions were taken from a Desiring God online post by Darren Carlson that is entitled “What Makes Any Marriage Difficult: Three Questions to Help Yours Grow”. That DG post was published on May 9, 2020.  Online Link: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-makes-any-marriage-difficult

(2) Post content, application section and questions shared by Glen Solberg, Abiding Marriage, 2025.

Image by Pete Linforth on Pixabay