top of page
Search

What Does Humility Look like in Marital Conflict?


When most of us think of conflict in marriage, we envision spouses yelling at one another in angry voices. Or maybe we see a picture of one spouse constantly talking over the other in an attempt to shut down the other spouse. One or both of them may even be threatening divorce. Proverbs 13:10 NIV says that “where there is pride, there is strife”, and when a couple’s conflict is characterized by yelling, seeking to control, or threats, there are obvious signs of pride and a corresponding lack of humility.


But what would Christlike humility in marital conflict look like instead? Here is how clinical psychologist, popular author, and speaker, Greg Smalley answers that important question:


  • I focus on you.

  • I give you my full attention.

  • I am patient.

  • I seek to understand you before being understood by you.

  • I listen with my eyes, ears and open heart.

  • I assume the best about you.

  • I ask God to change me instead of trying to change you.

  • I respect your feelings regardless of whether they make sense to me.

  • I treat you with gentleness and compassion.

  • I forgive you. (1)


You might be having the same response as me when you read that list: OUCH! I confess that, because of my responses, there are too many times when our marital conflict does not have those elements of humility as part of it. My focus is too often on me and what I want to say. I am often impatient and care little about understanding where my wife is coming from. I am doing more talking that listening. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I am too often not assuming the best about Shawn, my bride of 33 years.


What about you? If you and your spouse sat down and had an honest and open discussion about the last few disagreements you had, what grade would y’all get as a couple, related to your humility in working through the conflict?


If you, like me, are honest enough to admit that humility in marital conflict is something you are not consistently displaying, then I want to strongly encourage you to do 2 things: 1) honestly confess that sin to the Lord right now. Use 1 John 1:9 as your guide. And 2) read the 3 linked articles below as you ask the Lord for His “next steps” for you. Then follow-through on those next steps.


FINAL ENCOURAGEMENT

In one of the linked articles below by Francis Chan, he spends time walking through James 4:6: But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Then he shares this thought to help you and I in our desire to be humble in our marital conflict:


We need to remember at every moment that God stands actively against us when we are prideful (James 4:6). You may think you are digging your heels in against your spouse, but it’s ultimately God you’re opposing, and you’re inviting His opposition in return. God has always loved humility. Always. And He generously pours out His grace on those who are humble. View your arguments with your spouse in this light. It doesn’t matter what he said or what she did. The question is whether you want to experience God’s opposition or His grace. Is it more important for you to be right? Or to do what’s right? (2)










Written by Glen Solberg, Abiding Marriage June 2026. All Rights Reserved. Please email us at info@AbidingMarriage.org with any comments or questions.


Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

bottom of page