God's Provision: A Change of Perspective

I was tired. Weary. Losing hope.

How could my husband, Wade, not see that I was trying to do better? Be a better wife? It felt useless to even try any more. Maybe we weren’t going to make it. Neither of us wanted a divorce, but were we doomed to live in a loveless, lonely marriage the rest of our lives?

Wade and I had been married for 11 years, and the last few years of struggle were wearing on me. I would have moments of encouragement and resolve to press on, but most of the time I felt nothing was changing. Nothing was working.

I had gone to many people asking for help, sharing our story, begging for anything. Most listened but didn’t offer what I wanted — something that would change my husband. I thought if God would change him, our marriage would be saved.

Each morning I would crawl up in my big green chair and imagine it as the lap of God. I was so desperate for love, affirmation, tender care. Every morning as I got into His lap it was with a heavy heart, but I knew He would listen and speak. I prayed — really, I dumped on Him. Anything I wanted to say to Wade, I said to God. He already knew what was in my heart, so He wasn’t shocked when I spoke it out loud and it kept me from spewing my angry words all over Wade.

The Lord was so good. God bent His ear to hear my cries for help. When I read Scripture, He would give me strength for each day. Often the nuggets of truth He gave were just what I needed at the moment. I would get out of that green chair with a list of things I wanted to do, along with the things I should not do, with a motivation to be the best wife I could be. 

Some days the resolve lasted a whole day or two, but often my focus on being obedient to the Lord was sidetracked by my circumstances. It wouldn’t take long for the discouragement to set in again. And I couldn’t figure out why. Where was the disconnect? Why could I not walk in His power each day as I sought to love my husband?

Then the Lord had me hear a sermon on 1 Peter 3:1-6: In the same way, you wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely the external—braiding the hair, wearing gold jewelry, or putting on apparel; but it should be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way the holy women of former times, who hoped in God, also used to adorn themselves, being subject to their own husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord; and you have proved to be her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.  NASB.

These verses told me what I needed to do to change my husband, right? Submit. Be gentle and quiet. Let my inner heart shine beautifully instead of my outward appearance. Don’t be frightened by fear.

There was my list of DOs and DON’Ts. A list gave me tangible ways to measure my obedience. If I did all that God asked me to do, then Wade would change and our marriage would be fixed, right?

No. All of this was wrong thinking. I was approaching God’s Word from such an ungodly perspective. My motivation was: If I give, then I get. It was still focused on what I wanted and how I could manipulate things to get my way. I was relying on my own strength and for such selfish reasons. I was not reflecting on what I might be contributing to our struggle. I had a distorted view of my marriage. I needed a change of perspective.

Change of Perspective

First, I needed to sit before the Lord and ask Him what He wanted to show me about myself.  What areas did He want to change in my heart? Where were my blind spots? I needed humility and true repentance as He reminded me that “God gives grace to the humble and resists the proud”. I could no longer believe all of our problems were because of Wade. 

First Peter was written to encourage Christians to stand firm in their faith in the face of adversity - not merely a list of do’s and don’ts. It was a Word from the Lord on how to stay in sweet fellowship with Him as I walk in my role as wife.

I also began to see that I could not obey without the help of the Holy Spirit. My strength will get me nowhere. His strength shines when I am weak. I needed to rely on Him. I needed to lean into Him.

The Lord also showed me that His commands were not dependent on my husband’s actions at all. He never said, “Becky, obey these commands as long as Wade is doing his part.” As a matter of fact, in a lot of ways, these instructions were just between me and my Heavenly Father. He instructed and I needed to obey with the help of the Holy Spirit. Even if nothing changed in my marriage. Even if circumstances never changed.

The heart change Wade needed was between the Lord and Wade. I had to keep my focus on just submitting myself to the changes the Lord wanted to make in my own heart.

It became clear that my focus had to be off of my selfish desires and off of Wade’s actions or inactions. My eyes needed to be placed steadfastly onto my Heavenly Father. I could not love Wade at all without keeping my eyes on Him. I did not want to respect and love Wade during those days, but I felt compelled to obey God. I wanted to obey Him. And as I began to obey God for the sole purpose of having a faithful relationship with Him, He began to change me.  Not Wade. Me.

My vision had been off. I had blind spots and needed my line of vision to be recalibrated. I was weary because I was looking at a moving target and wearing myself out, but when I fixed my eyes on the Lord and what He desired me to be, the path became more clear. Being in His presence for the sake of fellowship helped me begin to enjoy His presence and not come to Him merely for what He could do to fix my marriage. The more time I spent with Him, being with Him, the more I desired to be like Him. No matter what.

Doing for Him flows from being with Him. Obedience is a desire that is the overflow of this love relationship with Jesus. I love You, Lord, so I want to be more like You. To be like You, I need to live like You did while here on earth.

I found that obedience to His commands also came with blessings: renewed hope, inner peace that can bring calm in a storm, faith over fear, transformation.

And you know what encouraged me the most? When I felt no one knew what I was going through or Wade didn’t notice the times I tried to be better, the phrase from 1 Peter 3:4b would come to mind: “…which is precious in the sight of God.”

Read that again. God noticed. He knew every time I tried and no one saw. He knew every thought, emotion, attempt at obedience. And He saw it as precious. What a thought!

My motivation slowly changed from wanting Wade to see and give back to me to pleasing God. My Father who sees, knows, hears, and cares is the only One who can do anything to bring about change in me and my marriage. The One who knew me best (good, bad and ugly) wanted to change me.  That was His love gift to me. He loved me too much to let me stay in my sin. 

As God changed me, Wade began to notice. When I showed love and respect to him, he wanted to show love to me. When I responded humbly and gently, he began to also be kind to me. Manipulating Wade was no longer my goal, but reconciling our marriage was God’s blessing for trusting Him.

God’s ways work. His purposes are good. His way is perfect.

These truths are still true today.  We are 37 years into marriage and we have walked through several stressful times in our marriage, but we always go back to the lessons we learned in those early years of trial. We know the only way to build a strong marriage is by seeking to obey the Lord.

He is our wisdom and strength.

He is our Encourager.

He is our very present help in times of need!

Application Section:

1) Read Psalm 116:2. How does God respond when we cry out to Him?

2) From Psalm 18:32, and 2 Samuel 22:33, what does the Lord provide in my times of need?

3) What does 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 remind us of?

4) Read Psalm 46:1-3. Think about your current situation and how God can be a “very present help”. Write out a prayer to Him below expressing your trust and surrender to Him to be and provide the help you need.

Post written for Abiding Marriage by Becky Arnold. October 2025. Application section added by Abiding Marriage.

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