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Marriage Conflict: First Question to Ask Yourself



Let's be honest. Every husband and wife will experience times of conflict in their marriage. It’s a byproduct of the world we live in, our selfishness and pride, and our enemy who is constantly at work. The real question is not whether you will experience conflict, but rather will you have the God-given tools needed to work through that conflict?

 

I was talking to a young couple recently. They had been through a hard week and experienced more conflict than normal. And neither of them was handling it well. They had a number of escalating arguments in the last few days – and the majority of it was still unresolved.

 

When my wife and I or you and your spouse reach this point – with increasing conflict and issues still unresolved – what do we do?  What would be a good “next step” to take?


In my opinion, a great first question that a husband or wife can ask themselves in that situation is this: Honestly, how is your vertical relationship with God? If you call yourself a Christ-follower, how are you currently doing at cultivating and growing that most important relationship?

 

Please note that I am not asking you if you read your Bible today. I am not asking if you are regularly meeting with your small group or attended church last weekend. And I am not asking if you are staying current on your daily devotional. Those are all good things and things that can help us grow our vertical relationship with the Lord. But a person can be doing all of those things and just be going through the motions – doing our “Christian activity” - but not truly connecting and growing in our most important relationship with Him.

 

Maybe you are still scratching your head to find the connection between marital conflict and your relationship with God. If that is you, hopefully what Paul David Tripp says can help:  If it is true that all the horizontal skirmishes a husband and wife have are rooted in a deeper war for the heart, and if it is true that a marriage must be fixed vertically before it is ever fixed horizontally, then the place where you win the war for marriage is on your knees. (1)

 

The Overflow Effect

Let me share some examples of this truth. If an athlete is working to improve their skills on a consistent basis, shouldn’t that show up in his batting average or her free-throw percentage? Or if a businessperson is consistently doing extra training outside of work hours to grow their skill set, shouldn’t that show up on his or her next performance evaluation?

 

The same should be true in our spiritual lives as we daily follow Jesus. If a Christ-follower is working to grow his or her relationship with God, then there should be tangible evidence in his or her life. Another way of saying that is that there should be an overflow effect into every relationship he or she has. If we, as Christ-followers, are cooperating with God in growing our relationship with Him and becoming more like Christ, then shouldn’t that growth have an effect on most, if not all of our relationships?

 

So, if you were bold enough to ask those closest to you (including your spouse) the question: “Do you see my relationship with the Lord overflowing in a good way in our relationship?”, how do you think they would respond? 

 

I encourage you to take that step – of asking your spouse and others close to you. And if you choose to do that, be sure not to get defensive if their answer is not what you were hoping for. Rather, listen to their feedback as part of God’s help for you in growing your most important relationship…the one with Him!

 

Next Steps to Grow Your Vertical Relationship

If you are serious about growing your vertical relationship with the Lord, then I would highly encourage you to take at least one step right now to make that a priority. So many people want to grow their relationship with God, but their “good intentions” alone don’t make that happen. You must take action – and the sooner the better!

 

If you are part of a local church, contact someone in leadership there as a starting point. Find out what resources/classes they have to help you really grow your relationship with God. Ask if there is someone who would disciple you over the next 9-12 months – to really help you grow! Make that call right now. Why delay?

 

If you are not part of a local church, but have friends who are, ask them to connect you with people at their church that can help you grow. Your friends may also want to be part of helping you grow in this season. Be bold to ask.

 

Another great option is finding a local Bible Study Group like Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) that helps Christ-followers grow. BSF draws from many churches in their many areas where they have men or women’s groups. Some of my most significant spiritual growth in my vertical relationship with the Lord happened in 5 years of being part of a Bible Study Fellowship group in Texas.  Here is a link to BSF’s main site: https://www.bsfinternational.org

 

Finally, below are a few online articles/resources that can help:

 

 

Ponder This One More Time

As each of us ponders this overflow effect in marriage as well as in marital conflict, I want to share again the quote shared earlier from Paul David Tripp:  If it is true that all the horizontal skirmishes a husband and wife have are rooted in a deeper war for the heart, and if it is true that a marriage must be fixed vertically before it is ever fixed horizontally, then the place where you win the war for marriage is on your knees. (1)

 

 

 

  Written by Glen Solberg, Abiding Marriage, 2025. Send comments or questions to

 

Image by Peggy Marco from Pixabay

 

Sources: (1): Crossway Online Post by Paul David Tripp. How to Pray When You are Fighting with Your Spouse. May 2019 (Referenced in bulleted list above)

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